Friday, 14 September 2018

What's In a Name?


Is the changing of street names across Karachi a slippery slope which ultimately leads in the direction of the very identity of the city being threatened? And, even if it is not, is it an acceptable phenomenon?

There I was, sitting in my office, minding my own business (literally) and cursing the ineptitude of Pakistan at Test cricket, when the Karachi Electricity Supply Corporation decided to throw a further furball in the mouth of my malcontent.

We received our first ever electricity bill.

On the face of it, this is not really an event that would cause much wailing and gnashing of teeth, but it did get me started on a train of thought which I feel compelled to share. On the bill, our street address was recorded as ‘McLeod Road’. My immediate thought, when I noticed this, was, ‘I wonder how many people (besides my own ignorant self) work on this road who know that it is/was/should be called McLeod Road, and not I.I. Chundrigar Road at all’. Following closely on the heels of this thought was another: ‘How common is this phenomenon, and should we care?’

Answer number 1 is: not many at all, but more than expected. In a poll conducted at a gallop, less than 5% of people who have their own transportation knew what I.I. Chundrigar road was called before it was called that. For people who travel by bus, though, the number was greater, as some conductors still insist on calling it by the old name. Similarly, people under the age of thirty were more likely to be ignorant of this fact.

Answer number two, undoubtedly, is: fairly common. A cursory look at bank branch names and the more battered signs on business establishments, especially in the older parts of town, would testify readily to this. Stratchen Road is now Mohammad Bin Qasim Road; Bunder Road (Named not for any simian connections, but for the fact that it led to the harbour) is now M.A. Jinnah Road. Also, there is Elphinstone Street, better known as Zaibunnisa Street, and Dr. Daudpota Road, formerly known as E.I. Lines. And, of course, who can forget Drigh Road, a.k.a Shahrah-e-Faisal? The list goes on and on.

Digressing a little, even the names of roads that have remained unchanged have been affected by the inflections of the populace. Burns Road is now universally ‘Bunceroad’, and those bus conductors and old timers who still remember it by that name call McLeod Road, ‘Macklow Road’. This seems to suggest that such name changes are, at least to some extent, part of the anthropological evolution of a city, as local tongues change names so that they can be better wrapped around them.

On the topic of anthropological evolution, then, we come to the crux of my thoughts over the past few days. Have we, who have scoffed at the Hindutva-isation of India, ignored a similar malaise which has been creeping up on us all the while? Or is our own rewriting of history, in street name terms at least, a natural progression of a city constantly redefining itself? In other words, should I be employing this piece to glorify this trend, or to gripe about it?

My first instinct is to gripe. I am acutely aware that changes in street names are often a reflection of the changing balance of political power in the city and the nation as a whole and, being both aware of the damage that politics has caused to the fabric of the city in the past and politically apathetic in general myself, I am cautious of any moves which could polarise, jeopardise or any-other-ise the city. 
 
Also, having freely and happily derided every one of our Neighbour to the East’s changes of city names, I am more than a little worried that my house may have been made of glass after all. This feeling is made even more acute when it seems that roads and roundabouts are being renamed throughout the city either after someone wielding a chequebook, or after the neighbour’s cousin’s son-in-law’s uncle of whoever is in power at the moment.

And speaking of roundabouts, the submarine roundabout continues to be called that, despite the fact that neither submarine nor roundabout remain any more. This is, I feel, a case of the mind sticking to what is familiar, in the way that old-timers still use the colonial street names. So that, too, would appear to be a name that is fated to be lost; it is a mere matter of time. After all, why should my daughter, who was born after the submarine ceased to be, have any reason to call it that? She has no mental reference point such as I do.

On the other hand, there are new names which not only catch on but are also embraced by one and all in a remarkably short length of time. A classic case of this is Schön Circle, which, despite being named recently and a clear case of corporate name-dropping, has been absorbed into the Karachi street lexicon in a manner that makes it hard to believe that there was actually a time when the name did not exist., and still persists even though the Circle, and Schon, are both long gone.

What, then, makes some names persist, and others fade away? Why are some names met with instant acceptance, and others are consigned to be used only in maps and official documents? I feel that the reasons are, in each case, unique. Bunder Road was, of course, immortalised in song, which can never hurt. In other cases, such as Schön Circle, perhaps, a landmark was just crying out for a name. The circle may now be long gone, but the name shows no sign of weakening its grip.

I realise that, in my own meandering way, I am no closer to reaching a conclusion on whether these changing street names are a first step towards the ‘Mumbaification’ of the city, or whether it is a case of a city forever on the move running to keep up with its own evolution. I guess in the end that is a decision that each one of us would have to make on our own.

None of this explains, however, why ‘Marine Promenade’ was renamed ‘Beach Avenue’, and that, ultimately, makes my mind up. A lot of street name changes are arbitrary, frivolous, unnecessary and unwelcome. They remove the romance and history of the city with banality or, worse, barely suppressed political rhetoric. In other words, what I call the ‘Mumbai Syndrome’. I do not think that the city is due to be renamed ‘Kolachi’, or ‘Krokola’ even, any time soon, but I still feel that in most cases this reverse colonisation is either unnecessary or unwelcome, or both.

What this means in the short term, is that I need to think of a suitable story for my daughter, so that she too can call the submarine roundabout by its proper name. Suggestions to this end are welcome. 
 
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Originally published in The Friday Times, 2006. This was the first ever piece of writing of mine that was picked up by a mainstream publication, so it's particularly close to my heart. I have tweaked a few words here and there to bring it a bit up to date. 

It's a Secret

You know that whole Men are from Mars thing that sold a lot of books and helps justify a lack of effort to understand each other for men and women alike? It’s a load of humbug. Men and women are alike in many more ways than they are different. It’s just that, for some areas, men have better brand managers. 

Take this whole thing of how men make better confidantes, because they keep each others’ secrets much better than women. Makes for a great extension of the old chestnut about how women gossip and men don’t. And hence, since men don’t gossip, they do far less bean spilling also. So the theory goes, anyway. 

Granted, there is some part of the male psyche which takes a request to keep something to yourself quite literally. This is normally great, but when this is used as a ploy so that said fact can be publicized to as wide an audience as possible in the strictest confidence, can be a bit of a dampener. So here is a tip: don’t swear a guy to secrecy unless you really, really mean it. This genetic anomaly could also be the reason why men have garnered the reputation for keeping secrets. 

Unfortunately, just like many other theories (the world being flat, Pakistani batsmen being able to bat with the tail, etc), this one is also not really true. Men are as bad, if not worse, when it comes to letting slip juicy tidbits of information, at the right moment.  And here is proof that this fact is acknowledged at some subconscious level by women – all the situation and romantic comedies you watch never have a best-friend-and-confidante character for the female lead that is a heterosexual male. 

Of course, the brand managers for the male gender have also carefully cultivated an impression that men don’t have the capacity to empathise. The better to watch the cricket unfettered with. And it is hard to confide in a gender whose reputation is that they, famously, don’t give a damn. Makes it kind of difficult to have a confidante when you are pouring your heart to someone on the phone, but cannot be sure if the emotions they are sharing are because of what you are going through, of because City just scored a fifth goal. 

Again, this is all a clever piece of image management. If it wasn’t, my friend wouldn’t have sent me a message after that game which was only half gloating, with the other being an acknowledgement that he understood. Didn’t stop him rubbing it in, of course; what kind of friend would he be if he hadn’t? As that world famous philosopher Homer Simpson famously said, just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand. 

As I type this, part of me is desperately wishing that someone would take this shovel out of my hands. There are some trade secrets you don’t let out even under pain of death, like who let the dogs out, and I fear that this just may be one of them. But it had to be done. After all, how else could I conclusively prove that men can’t keep secrets? Unfortunately, I too have fallen prey to the spin doctor, and don’t have sufficient empathy for the predicament I am about to place myself in. 

Bit of a Catch-22, that.

A Necessary Evil

 
Sometimes, dear readers, one’s scruples can be such a pain. Case in point being my almost obsessive insistence on buying only ‘original books’; no toilet paper-grade pulp and cyclostyled print for me. The reason is partly respect for intellectual property rights and partly that for my own eyesight. The end result, however, is that each book purchase that I make is a sizeable chunk of my ‘personal extravagances’ budget and therefore not an unconsidered expense.

I have been burnt more than once, mostly by the Booker-hopeful sub-continental authors, who seem to have all ghol-ke-peeo’d the formula for success in that esteemed award: forbidden love in tumultuous times, gratuitous and affectedly convoluted use of words, a dash of paedophilia thrown in for good measure, escape from one’s problems only to come back to them later in life to achieve a measure of closure. Sound familiar? Even good writers, too many to count, have fallen into the trap.

But it is not only the hopefully-intellectual books that can prove to be a major waste of the world’s remaining rainforests, and my remaining hair. The traditional ‘airport books’ (domestic: 150 pages; international: 300 pages) are generally seen as only marginally more palatable than the food on aircraft. Every so often, however, there is an exception to the rule. A few years ago, you couldn’t move without being trodden upon by someone with their nose buried in either “The Da Vinci Code” or one of the dozens of spinoff books it spawned. People bought, borrowed, or stole a copy just to see what the fuss was all about, and a phenomenon was born.

It was a nice enough book – no great need to engage many grey cells, puzzles that were hard but just about crack-able by the reader a couple of pages ahead of the protagonists (thus allowing the reader a warm glow of intellectual superiority), and a good pace to the narrative. Pretty soon, Dan Brown was the new John Grisham, and the pre release buzz for his newest books and movie spinoffs was enough to rival even the bespectacled student wizard himself.

And then, falling victom to the hype, I spent 900-plus hard-earned rupees on a copy of “The Lost Symbol”. Really, what was I thinking? I should have just borrowed a copy from some poor shmuck. That’s two months’ worth of mid-morning makai I won’t be seeing again in a hurry. What a disappointment. And what a sad indictment of the general state of humanity that it still topped bestseller lists worldwide almost a year after publication, when this piece was originally written.

By all accounts, this book represents a return to (bad) form for the author. People who have read his other, earlier books (and I have been burnt by hot milk and so will blow on milkshakes to cool them down too in the future) tell me they were equally as execrable. I hope to never find out at first hand.

One must acknowledge however, that the Dan Browns and Stephanie Meyers’ of this world do perform a valuable service. In this world of instant gratification and 280 character attention spans, getting millions of people to actually pick up a fat-ish book and have the will power to read it through to the end is an achievement in itself. And there is always the chance that once somebody realises that the Balrog in their own imagination was much better than that which could ever be shown on celluloid, will be encouraged to let more creatures that exist on the printed page come alive in their mind rather than on the flickery screen of a pirated DVD.

The fact that there are not enough dorky kids out there for whom The Famous Five are close personal friends is a constant worry for me. There is a whole generation which seems to treat books as something to be endured at school, and instead bury their nose in a flickering screen of some description, be it a mobile phone or a gaming device. The greatest blessing of books such as “The Da Vinci Code” is that it gets people talking about the book, and as a result places the published word on the top of peoples’ consciousnesses again, if only for a short time.

In this day and age, anything that gets people excited about reading cannot be entirely evil, not even a book whose dénouement is obvious from the moment that the protagonist’s plane begins its final approach in the first chapter. Although I am concerned about the whole iPad / Kindle revolution that is sweeping across large parts of Europe and North America; LCD screens look hell-bent on replacing printed matter, and I am not sure if that is a good thing. I am fairly certain that a battered old display would never be as welcoming a friend as a tattered old paperback, dog-ears and all.

Anyone want to buy a hardback first edition of “The Lost Symbol”? Only one careful owner from new…

Originally published in Dawn, November 2010

Thursday, 13 September 2018

Genius in our Times


“Oh, you’re such a genius!”

These are words I have heard more than once in my life. Although their content is quite flattering, but somehow the way that they are delivered imply that the speaker is not being fully honest. There is a hint, a tinge of sarcasm, irony, even.

Such comments are quite often also followed up with a statement to the effect of “You think you are quite clever, do you?” – My response, that I don’t, really, but people keep telling me that I am a genius, is then normally met with either an ‘all is forgiven’ laugh, or a toss of the pony tail and walk away, depending on the person and the circumstances.

What, then, is a genius? How does one measure geniosity? Is the ability to make up words as one goes along a symptom of geniciousness? If so, then I would probably qualify. However, many people set great store by getting a certain score in one of those “find out how clever you are by telling us how many dots should appear on the next domino in this sequence” books, available at your local redhi waala for a small consideration. I did one of those tests back when I was about 8 and there was only one channel on television, and remember my score being above average but not quite making the genius grade. So much for tests telling you how smart you are.

Its like intelligence is a disease, to be measured and marked and then treated accordingly. “Sir, normal limits for I.Q. are between 120 and 145. your current I.Q. stands at 165, which is in the danger zone. Anything above 180, and you are severe danger of developing Subdural Genioma of the Marzipan. We prescribe that you immediately cut out any books which are not thoroughly recommended to you as the latest fad reading from your diet, and take one Mithun Chakraborthy film a day with water before going to bed.”

Knowledge of Ancient Greek, Vulcan and Elvish may get you cachet in certain (extremely geeky) circles, but would probably be of limited use on a desert island. You know, the type with a single palm tree and a beach, and sharks in the water. That is where you need a different kind of intelligence. Firstly, you would need the intelligence to not put yourself in a position to be on an island which happens to be outside the delivery zone of any of the major fast food chains, and doesn’t even house a boutique hotel with a personal butler to respond to your every need.

Failing that, you need McGyver-Q. remember that TV show? It used to come on PTV in the 1980s. That guy was amazing. Put him in a room full of all kinds of random junk, and before you could say “Damn! That was fast!” he would have fashioned himself a bullet proof vest, flame thrower and cookie oven with which to vanquish his enemies. OK, so maybe the cookie oven was to woo the damsel in distress in this episode once the vanquishing had been done, but you get the general thrust of things.

Although I have to say that I was always slightly suspicious of how the barn/attic/garage where he found himself always had just the things needed in that particular situation. He never had a moment of “Oh, this would be handy if I was being chased by a band of Polynesian Head Hunting pygmies, but is completely useless to my current predicament of being chased by Mongol Head Hunting horsemen. It is like those shows on the cooking channels where the Chef at Home decides to just pull something together out of thin air and always has the exact ingredients in his larder for a beautiful and delicious looking three course meal for his family as well as the guests who happen to ‘drop in’. I suspect that in both cases the Hand of God is at work in making sure that the right ingredients are in the right place or, failing that, the Hand of The Assistant Prop Supervisor.

[As an aside, McGyver-Q may be a phrase that is on its way to obsolescence, just the way that “Submarine Roundabout” has all-but-done. This phrase is like to be replaced by the term “Grylls Intelligence”, named after the famous survival expert, grub eater and sometime khakis model.]

But I digress, a luxury one can ill-afford, what with attention spans being what they are. I guess the point of improvisational cooking shows is to teach the world an important life lesson: there is an element of genius in all of us and, given the right environment and circumstances, each of us can manifest this. Take for example the mother who manages to get three children up, washed, breakfasted and ready for school on time every day. If that does not take a level of genius in multitasking, then surely there must be some Dark Magic afoot.

And then there is what one of my sisters call ‘emotional intelligence’; another Dark Art from what I can gather. Apparently, I don’t possess much of it, so am unable to decipher the Secret Language of The Opposite Sex, despite reading several forwarded emails that purport to teach you exactly that.

So what, then, is a genius? Is it someone very good at maths, very good at deciphering picture puzzles, very good at changing several diapers in rapid succession, or none of the above? I am quite inclined to think that it is more like all of the above. Or rather, any of the above. So the next time someone crosses their arms at you, taps their foot, and tells you in a stern tone that you are SUCH a genius, take the comment in its spirit. Smile, nod in a germane manner, and thank them for the complement. For you truly are, in some way or another. 

Originally published in Dawn, Jan 2009.