There was a time when a gentleman would take off his coat and put it on a puddle to allow the lady to safely cross without soiling her shoes. Regrettably from the point of view of the dry cleaning industry, those days are gone. However, we live in times when the cultured can still stand apart by embracing the spirit of the Gentleman of yore. Dress impeccably, groom meticulously and always, always behave faultlessly.
The challenge lies in the fact that the world has changed immeasurably since the Victorian era, when most guides to etiquette seem to have been written. So what are the do’s and don’ts that a gentleman must follow in the modern age? Here is a brief guide to the basics, broken down into a handy set of sections:
General Rules
- Always wash your hands thoroughly after using the loo, regardless of what number it is. That means soap. Using hand sanitiser after a meal is not enough, either. What are you, Neanderthal?
- Always hold the door for someone if you are first through the door, and always thank someone if they hold the door for you. This is not a ‘gender’ thing, this is a ‘being civilised’ thing.
- Don’t swear unless you absolutely must. Never at a lady, never just to flesh out a sentence. Never for emphasis, never in front of anyone under the age of 16. Swearing is ungentlemanly, and shows that you have anger management issues and/or a limited vocabulary (well, of the non-swearing variety, anyway).
- Nose picking and scratching oneself may be national pastimes, but stick to doing them in the privacy of your loo. Anywhere else is gross.
- The use of deodorant is not a nice optional extra, it is a way of life like breathing, eating, sleeping and scratching oneself.
- If you can queue in an orderly fashion when applying for a visa, or in another country, then you can do the same here.
Telephony
- Mobile phones should neither be seen nor heard. Annoying ringtones are annoying. Keep it silent as often as possible, and always at work.
- Your phone may be smarter than the average politician, but stow it away. There is a point of view that placing your cellphone on a table (whether at work or at a restaurant) is as rude as plonking your privates onto the table instead. Keep it in the pants, an advice that is just as apt for mobile phone users.
- Open plan offices are not for having conference calls. Book a meeting room and spare your colleagues the gory details emanating from your speakerphone.
- Keeping checking your phone or, worse still, actively using it, during a meeting can be career suicide. At best, the message you are sending around the table is that there are more important things waiting for your outside the meeting room (not a good idea, even when it is true) or, at worst, that you would rather play Angry Birds than listen to the absolute drivel being spayed around the table.
- Do not answer the phone during a social occasion or at the dinner table, unless it is an absolute emergency. If you must, apologize, step away, finish the call as quickly as possible and return with another apology.
At the Office
- Personal hygiene is a personal matter. Keep it so. We all know people who cut their fingernails at the office (I, too, have been guilty of this transgression). Don’t do it. The right time to do this is the half-time break in the football game in the comfort of your home.
- Make eye contact. Your emails will still be there after this conversation is over.
- Modulate your tone. All of your colleagues don’t want to hear about it. This also applies in all social situations.
- Be on time, always, but especially in office situations. Value your time and that of others. In general , you should always be on time as a rule. Fashionably late may be fashionable, but it is not gentlemanly and is still no explanation for tardiness.
Out and About
- There is no call to be rude to a member of serving staff at a restaurant. They work long hours and are not paid all that well. They are not your personal whipping boys. Rudeness is never called for, especially to people providing you a service.
- If service has been of an acceptable standard, tip 10% of the bill. You can skip this if the restaurant has added a service charge to the bill. At informal eateries, be more generous; those guys depend on tips for their entire livelihood. 20% is a good number to tip at the barbershop. It guarantees that the man will spend slightly longer on your bonce the next time.
- The cinema is for watching a movie, not having a conversation (either in person or on the phone), tweeting, texting, FBing, Pinning, etc. Not even Roger Ebert relays his movie reviews over his cell phone while in the act of watching the movie itself, so surely your status update can wait
- If you are late into the theatre, walk briskly to your seat and sit down promptly. You can greet your friends later.
- Seats are numerically assigned for a reason. Sit in yours. This also applies to aircraft.
- Obey traffic rules, they are there for a reason. It doesn’t matter if all around you aren’t; you must hold yourself up to a higher standard than theirs, your own.
- The world is not your waste bin. If you have garbage, hang on to it until you can dispose of it properly, instead of tossing it out of your car window.
Originally published in Dawn, Nov 2012. The edited version (scatological references didn't make it for some reason) can be seen here:
